Sometimes, things appear crystal clear. It’s like, without a doubt in your mind, you know exactly what to do. Things fall into place perfectly. Things make sense.
And then other times, you’re in a position where you think to yourself, “what am I doing here? Why is this happening? What am I supposed to be doing?” Things make about as much sense as 2+2=5.
This semester has been a 2+2=5 season of my life.
Moving back to FSU this fall, something felt different. What frustrated me the most was my inability to put my finger on the issue. I couldn’t place the feeling; it was unlike anything I had ever felt before, and I wanted answers. I wanted to know why I was riddled with anxiety for the first month of college, which direction was I supposed to take major-wise, why singleness suddenly became something I cared so much about, why I was the actual worst budgeter on planet earth, will I ever be comfortable in my own skin, would I ever find a job, why why why…
On October 27, 2017, my answer found me.
Way back in August, I had purchased a ticket to see Bethel perform in Tallahassee on the night of October 27th. When I bought it, I thought, “this will be a fun time to spend with friends and hear some good music.” But as the day began to approach, I debated selling the ticket to pad my savings account that I had frittered away (what a weird word lol. I just wanted to be able to say that I have used it in a sentence before. That is all.) But thankfully, I decided to go. I thought, eh, $27’s not that much. It’ll probably be a great experience.
During the whole first half of the concert, I was wrestling. Wrestling with this looming feeling that was holding me back. This nameless fear and confusion and pain that felt like it was draining something out of me. I brought it to His feet daily, and I was becoming discouraged.
“Lord, I want to lift my hands to you and sing with joy, but I just can’t right now. I want to, but this fear is holding me back. God, I want to give this to you, but it almost feels like you keep giving it back to me. Lord, help me to trust you right now. I’m struggling. A lot.”
Amidst this war zone of my mind and heart, I hear the vocalist sing these words.
Take courage my heart, stay steadfast my soul. He’s in the waiting.
And it hit me.
2+2=5 is also equal to my understanding+my emotions and feelings≠His ways and His thoughts. In other words, I don’t have all the answers all the time, and I am never guaranteed a quick fix. Sometimes the answer is that yes, life is confusing.
Sometimes, the answer is the waiting. Yes, it’s painful. Yes, it can cause fear and anxiety. Yes, it will make you question how in the heck is God using this. But hold on to this hope, that HE IS RIGHT THERE IN THE WAITING. He’s not waiting for you on the other side, for you to catch up to Him. He’s right there next to you, waiting with you.
This is my season of waiting. In autumn, leaves turn beautiful colors, and slowly begin to fall. In winter, they disappear, and the tree is left barren. But in all the history of the earth (as far as I know), the leaves grow back in the spring. The winter wasn’t a waste of time though. Did you know trees actually have a mechanism that keeps all of its living cells from freezing so that it can bear fresh, renewed foliage in the spring? They don’t completely die. Though they may look hopeless in their barren state, hope is right there in the waiting. Those cells are still LIVING inside of them! Like the trees, it seems like my leaves were falling this past semester. But even in the past month that I’ve been on-and-off writing this, I am feeling new leaves blooming. And I have this hope that I am growing because of it all.
There have been a lot of areas of waiting that I’ve been faced with this semester (hence the somewhat vague post), but I’m certain I’m not the only one! So I’m considering trying something new; I’m thinking of writing a series on Waiting. I would love to write on topics that you, the lovely soul reading this at this very moment, would like to hear from me! If there is a specific area of your life that you feel that you’ve been struggling as you wait for answers–whether it’s where to go to school, depression or anxiety, singleness, friendships, you name it–don’t hesitate to send me a message in the contact section if you’d like me to address a certain topic on the blog, or just simply want to talk about it with someone. Even if I don’t know you in person, I’m here for you. We all need somebody to lean on.
Slow down, take time. Breathe in, He said. He’ll reveal what’s to come. The thoughts in his mind, Always higher than mine, and He’ll reveal what’s to come.